An end without even a start :D

I had a friend, whose company seemed to be my sole source of strength. He gives me the sort of feeling that I always don't want to end. This friend of mine , for a while seemed my arms and toes and we are inseparable. To make the it more precise this  friend alone made me feel special. At one time in a school affair, he left his new friends just to hear my awkward stories and funny recollections about my day. He fills my laptop with books I like. He accompanies me every free time he gets. We even go to church together, and go watch movies. He is almost like my boyfriend, and even I have a real boyfriend , I consider him as my personal physically present boyfriend, which  I alone was aware of.

 I was deliberately attached to him. Always excited when we meet each other and always disappointed when he can't company me. 

 But then I started to have feelings for him, I don't know when it started and I am afraid to let this feelings rule and ruin our friendship , so I drifted away. That time me and my boyfriend broke up.   His invitations I denied, and even I didn't made deliberate attempts to invite him over something which we usually do. We do not go home together  anymore. We just drifted apart.

I thought I lost my feelings for him, but we somewhat resume meeting again , I realize how wrong I was. I find him more dashing, more lovable, still the warm-tender-sensitive person I had known and have come to love all these years.

Before summer 2014 , I told my story to a friend. I told her that I had this special guy and a special friend. She told me that I am a fool that maybe that guy is also  hurt by my coldness towards him, the  defense mechanism  I actually created  because of the fear that I would lose him.

Another cousin of mine told me that, some hidden feelings just need confrontations. and sometimes I should just make the first move, so after a long time of thinking it over. I had finally decided that I should at least tell this guy what I feel. That what happened to me while we were together for some time was real and the feelings were real.

So I told him.

That time I was desperate. For me it's like flipping pages of a novel. You won't know the end, unless you flip it over.  I want to clear this thing between us. I just want to confirm if we  had mutual feelings for each other or if not, I would move on and forget that  it ever happened.

One summer night. I summoned my courage and told him that for a while, that I had feelings for him and it was backed up with  all those moments when I realized that he had gone more special to me.

In the morning of the following day, before I ate my breakfast, I received his reply: It was a one page essay. It was full of endearing thoughts, and it was full of arguments why we should stay as friends, that I was also special for him and that I should just better be his friend, that he doesn't do more than friends.

As I read that text, I had mixed emotions. I want to laugh and cry. LAUGH at myself because I had been a fool, expecting that he would at least admit something. CRY  because he just ended all my fantasies for him. 

His memory of love, at least (that's how  I describe it) made me do things , made me save myself for him. In fact in the past, I even decided to wait for him,wait for him to admit his feelings for me. I guess I made the right decision. At least it is all clear to me now, crystal clear, where the boundaries between us tread.

But still even in the thankfulness, and the gratitude of the truth. I could still not deny that it hurts a lot.

For the first time in my life my heart is so heavy, that even a dozen of Krispy Kremes can't mend. Even the funniest movie, even the hugs and cuddles of my pet dogs and cats can't make me apply when it usually can. Even the happy conversations with my siblings, and even if I put a smile in my face, I could not ease the pain.

I did so many things. I distracted myself. I tried  not to be alone, so that I would not think about him. I tried to walk, eat junk foods, bathe in the rain, run as fast as I could but still. His rejection, his dismissing me  as someone he would not love more is still so painful thought for me.

Even my dreams are affected. He appeared in one, which made me cry towards the end. I cant help but feel that I lost him, when in fact I didn't according to him but its not him that I lost, it is my hope that we could be more than friends.

Now I ask myself did I mistake his fondness for love? Did I just exaggerate, or hallucinate all those moments that he cared for me , more than a friend should? or I lack of attention from men, that I took all those fondness as love immediately? 

I hope the answer is no , but in all  these questions the answer could be yes. I am still recovering little by little everyday. Now I realized that  the coast is clear, the territories were drafted. I could not cross the borders and discover and have more. I should just stay to the enclosed place and consider that what I thought is my quest of patience  failed. Its a mission and a journey, I half created on my mind, delusions to make me happy in my lonely hours, the lonely days, with him in my mind. The relationship which in reality has no right to exist and would forever be just an abstract and not a concrete one.

And for him in my mind I  could say : Thank you for all the happiness you've brought me and sorry for getting overboard. Don't use the word " you understand' because you will never will understand this pain I feel. No matter what you are my friend and as you like it a friend all there is. I would just forget this feelings. you bet? just watch me get over it. ;)